Lately I been suffering from depression really badly. First I lost a cousin and let me remind you all, I wasn't close to him but that is not the point. I had also lost my aunt a couple of months back and right after her death my dad had to get a pacemaker. All this would not be so stressful if my brother wasn't always startin shit with me by talkin shit bout me within snide remarks for only me to hear. And puttin me down like a dog...don't get me wrong am use to this shit from my parents. But they're my parents...they have a right to do that...they concieved me and all that good shit...what fucking right my brother got to put me down like a dog? And worst than my own parents?! All my parents ever bitch bout is that am not ambitious and am lazy he on the other hand take it to a whole new level by constantly calling me bitch and other nasty things. I mean atleast with my parents is true what they say and yes am admittin that I suffer from depression and with that comes me havin low self esteem and probaly do make me non ambitious....and all that other good shit. But I don't need my brother to make me feel worst. When he is the one who beat the shit outta his wife and she divorcing him soon after that and him havin to move back in our parents house (where I live) for almost a year now. 

And as a result of all this personal life stress...it started effecting me at work which lead me to getting written up and if I don't proof myself to my bosses that I can still handle my job...am fired. Well, technically they said they would "Let me go".  Which hurts me deeply luckily my boss knows me well nough to give me a second chance and wants me to work really hard to proof myself to him and all the other bosses. Although I think there was something else goin on that was not fair on me gettin written up but bottomline is shit at home started to effect me at work and I got written up cause of it.  No words can truly express or explain how am now feeling...now when am at work is like unconciously I don't give a fuck what happens and am being loud and obnoxious...shit last week I snitched on two folks to my close friend who handles the department in which I use to take care of till they pulled me off cuz I got written up due to my mistakes. And it is not like me to snitch on anyone even if they truly deserve it and even if I feel the boss or whoever is in charge should know...tis just not my style to snitch but last week I found my self snitching on two folks...one was a new guy well shit! He deserve it cause I heard he was using the personal Yahoo Instant Messenger to pick up girls while at work and than when he was givin me a ride to go get cigarettes at lunch he was tellin me not to punch out for lunch and wait till we got back to punch out...he sounds like a real sleeze bag. He is also lazy as fuck and don't do shit but walk around and smoke cigarettes while the rest of us bust our asses.

And this other chick...damn...I really had no rite to snitch on her ass but I did overhear her talkin bout my close friend who happen to be in charge of the department in which i use  to take care of...and am the sorta person if I overhear something and it is something big...am sorry...I try to keep it to myself but sometimes and it also depends cuz I heard her talkin bout my friend and than gain it could be anger and she talkin out of anger...but I had to tell my friend cuz I trust her and I trust she wouldn't tell anyone else. Cuz my ass wzn't suppose to hear that shit...as it was something really private...damn. Have any of you ever overheard something that had nothin to do with you and you were the only one there and just happen to over hear it? I mean shit...does that make me a gossipper??? I mean I know I am...but I try not to be. I honest to god feel like quittin that job...but is fucked up...I am holdin an even bigger secret and I can't even keep something that has nothin to do with me a secret...well maybe is cuz it has nothin to do with me but if it get back to me that am a gossipper shit...I feel like total shit here. 

My stomach is all fucked up due to stress. Am seriously considering and maybe this is why am acting like I don't give a fuck and not focusin like I should on my job and maybe unconciously I wanna get fired but in all truth and honesty I don't...even when if I want to quit and wanna give up...I don't wanna end up leavin that job like this. Not in a bad way.  Am just gettin fed up of all these backstabbing and betrayal...I dunno who the fuck to trust no more...is so hard. Cuz the way I got written up...wz just all so fucked up...those who I thought were my friend who I thought would tell me stuff turned...supposedly they reported my ass for mistakes I made and yet they are tellin me to my face that they would never snitch on me but than they also say it was two others who am not close to who snitched on me but when I told my boss that my friends would never snitch on me he is tellin me that is not what he is hearing...meaning they fuckin snitched on me. It fuckin hurts. It hurts deeply...makes me wanna quit that fuckin job and be done with it. But truth be told...I can't leave like this...not in a very bad way. I want to proof all their fuckin asses wrong that I am still a hard worker and a good worker that I can focus on my job at hand. Pardon my language cuz some of them I do care bout but shit it hurts like fuckin hell. My friends all feel bad for me and feel that it was all so unfair how my ass got written up and how I got pulled off the major job duties...am glad to hear that...but I also wonder if all their concerns and care is truly sincere and from the heart and soul...makes me wonder

Anyways, am out. Laters folks.